I think everything has their limit. I already decide to tune to the right mood already after those few weeks.

Actually when the conversation start again, i decided to have a cold reply towards you but I feel that i shouldn’t be like that because after all we are still friends like 好来好去.

So the conversation got going, I understand that you are busy and so I don’t expect to have a “fast” reply or whatever. But however the message has stop replying already for a few days, you seems to have time to replying others but not me? But it’s okay, I try not to make a big fuss because maybe you really “forget”, “busy” or “tired”

So I decide to message again and then I got a reply. But then soon, the same whole thing happened again…

After 2 to 4 days, you still did not reply. So I shall wait till when you come out then maybe you will reply. But NO, NEVER!! 

You still have have time to reply others and not even bother to reply the previous message.

I felt this is too much so I message again “Woah, you are very busy. way too busy that i think you should at least reply”.

What is even great that, you can’t be bothered to reply at all.

An hour later, seeing you have time for others but not even bother to reply to me, I started my “final last straw” saying “whether you still regard me as friend? please be frank”

You then started to reply “innocently” like you missed the chat? wow!

*this is how exactly i felt*

How can you missed the chat when there is notification telling you there are unread messages?

I couldn’t be bothered to continue the conversation so i get straight to the point to question about our Friendship.

Friendship should have mutual respect and not by saying when your action is otherwise.

He said “the chat went down” and “still regard me as friend”

Why will the chat went down? Simple, because you have too many interesting friends to priortise already or maybe you too reluctant to be friends with me or the conversation is way too boring. Even if the chat went down, there will be still notification telling you how many unread messages idiot!.

Ya, still regard me as friend is just how nicely and innocent you phrase but the action is treating me like an unworthy friend.

I rather you be upfront and telling me either a YES or NO than lying or act like a cunning innocent fuck to claim “yes, we are still friend” with your whatever excuses.

It would be better if you can spend a few minutes to reflect even though I know you are still in your “alone” time which i don’t know when it will be over, you are the only one in the world who are freaking “busy” (even how busy a person is, they will make time for people if they want) and also you are very “forgetful”

My message need time to think which you claim? - legit bullshit when you reply is always short and can’t be bothered kind.

As much as before that, i have the intention to wish you Happy Birthday since we last spoke. But I think that it’s doesn’t matter as you have many interesting prioritise friend to wish you or celebrate with you. Probably, you are very “busy” to reply and the chat went “down” again then you “missed” the chat. Lastly, you are way too “forgetful” that you forget you birthday.

What matters most is that I remember the dates in my heart as a friend.

As much as you powerful lip service said that I’m still your friend and your action is totally otherwise.

Maybe which is right now, i’m writing this post by just only 2% of f*** given. Soon it will be gone.

Because…

Not sure why this few days, i’m feeling like this. There are people asking why and stuff but i told them it’s just a post that i get from online so that they can stop asking because telling them and they can’t do much stuff also. Not that i’m expecting them to do something for me but something are just happened naturally.

The word “Friends” really is a sensitive word. This word has get me into a serious issue and I won’t forget about it. It’s not about moving on or forget. You can forgive the person but you just can forget the incident that happened.

Last time, i always thought hanging out with people and get to know about them and they will be friends. Being helpful and caring also will get me friends. Yes, they will get you as friend but whether is “legit” or not.

This is just sad that the person who are close with you last time are just gone like that.  Eventually, slowly from a close friend and become like hi-and-bye kind.

I always envy people who are still contacting their friend who they know during their school days because that is really nice and they are “there” for each other.

So after what has happened to me, the word “Friends” don’t really apply to me already. I couldn’t care much and I just follow the flow like people “来就来, 走就走”. I just trying to be “myself”

I’m not being selfish and everyone have their selfish ways actually. I know I also need to do my part in maintain the contact and also friendship but…

I guess because of my “personality” which is like “joker” and also “talk a lot”, people assume that I have a lot of “friends”, Maybe “quantity and not quality”.

So if anything, they “won’t be there” for me because I have plenty others outside.

People who use to have the same hobby or working in the same environment or studying the same course will have tend to be “closer” because they have some common topics to talk to and more reason to hang out because they spent their time together.

But after they left, things change because maintaining is ”exhausting”. It’s not that I doesn’t want to put in effort but the feeling of putting effort in going out but was reject by the person isn’t good even though they have their reason.

You felt you are bothering them and then you decide to stop contacting them because by then you really doesn’t have anything topic to talk about. Even if having topics, but they are those “short” topic which will “end” it off if the person said “okay”.

Sometimes, It’s not that I’m being choosy or what. You don’t anyhow open to people and having personal or nonsense topics to them. You’re just selective to people who you feel “comfortable” with.

There are a few times, people just “shove” away by saying you have other people also. To me, I always will feel maybe i’m a “burden” or bothering people when i’m feeling down so therefore they “shove” me away.

I don’t think i’m thinking too much because almost everyone have this “thought” before.

I learn to be “independent” so whenever things happened I try to deal with my own hands, I feel “proud” because i have no one to help me or there for me but i depend my own. But the truth is nobody even bother.

Now things are getting better for the past few months because I think i have a buddy but however, I feel that things has changed. I felt really “ 可惜” if it’s because of what I have said or done or if it’s my boring character.

I think i have to accept this “issue” again which i mention earlier above “ People who use to have the same hobby or working in the same environment or studying the same course will have tend to be “closer” because they have some common topics to talk to and more reason to hang out because they spent their time together.” because soon or later it will be “fading” soon. Not that i’m thinking a lot but reality hits hard. I choose not to believe it although I think it would happened one but I think i’m really naive. 

As for my camp friends, they all are busy with their stuff and sometimes I tried but “But after they left, things change because maintaining is ”exhausting”. It’s not that I doesn’t want to put in effort but the feeling of putting effort in going out but was reject by the person isn’t good even though they have their reason.You felt you are bothering them and then you decide to stop contacting them because by then you really doesn’t have anything topic to talk about. Even if having topics, but they are those “short” topic which will “end” it off if the person said “okay”. 

I guess that I will be back to square one which is originally suppose to be my life path that being “alone” to sound positive and also “lonely” to sound negative. I will definitely “miss” those memories that i have with my friend that is within my “inner circle” and it will stay in my mind even though to think back it’s will have both happy and sad moment (because we are losing contact already).

Hopefully, asking to have a “buddy” is not asking too much although I don’t think that I deserve it since I screwed things up so often. Maybe the problem lie on me actually.

If so, how I wish i can end it just like that and restart everything again.